To Be or To Become

mood: blank

i could not help but open the box i had that was collecting dust...in it was filled with my secondary school memories. and suddenly i found myself reliving the past once again...oh how quickly things can change in a blink of an eye. the people i left behind in jb...it feels sometimes that i was the one who packed up my bags and left...not only did i leave my grandfather's house behind. i left everything else. friends...love...dreams. most of all memories....sometimes i wished i had never left jb. 

the unfortunate part is you cant take back whats gone...we have to move forward and keep up with it. gosh...how i would have done so many things differently back then..i bet you'd think that way too. the stuff in the box just seems so endless...even though i have thrown away quite a number of things. things that no matter how small it was..i was still reluctant to throw. feels like im throwing a small piece of history away. 

ironically tomorrow would be the first time i step on southern soil in more than a year. the last time i was down, it jus didn feel right. the shadow of my grandfather's death hovered around us at that time....i stayed in the old house...but it jus didn feel the same. the sound of the radio wasnt there...no smiling face beneath the layers of newspapers to greet me in the morning. i vowed never to step into jb anymore...

but im going back on my vow now...somehow going back to jb feels like the stepping stone. feels like the return of a cycle as i end my houdini act. 

slowly as time goes...im picking up the pieces of my life. getting on with my life one aspect at a time.

mood: blank

haha...nice subject eh. you know i actually find it ironic abt the amount of problems im facing just renting an apartment in a small town like seremban...now i probably cant mention anything in particular because legal issues mite be occur. but seriously...even renting a house in kuala lumpur is simply easier. its not as if im renting an apartment in hartamas or jalan kuching. im renting a place in seremban....seremban i repeat. and so many things are involved. the sad thing is the landlord is suppose to be someone of status. status?? geez...now thats a term thats diluted in our country....too many of this men and women of stature walking around. heck throw a pebble and you will hit one. i for one have no respect for majority of them...not based on the amount of corruption cases i read in the papers. but im own personal experiences. oh well...i guess there's no need for me to tell you at all..you probably know it and feel the same as i do. 

its quite sad because all this bad apples do not represent the true nature of the status. there are definitely quite a number who deserve the title. but it ends there. period. 

and recently i have noticed a vicious cycle going around. like how most supposed "professionals" do not respect or bother about students. they treat us like children and think that we are naive enough to follow their whims and fancy. and whats so amusing is how an "adult" voice (geez...i sounded like an adult when i was 12..not the squeeky kind)...or rather to put it plainly. a parent....all it takes is a parent to speak and they would listen whether or not its the same thing you said. its sad. but u gotta admit...some of us are naive...even the 29 year old students... (notice how i emphasize 29 and student) ....and therefore they deserve whats coming...a cunning "professional" .....but fortunately parents usually get involved...and the cycle goes full circle.....who started it..we do not know. was it the student....was it the "professional" in the first place..we would never know

even in the hospital...the cycle is even clearer. you enter the hospital as a houseman...freshie. right out of the oven. the nurses close in like vultures hungry for a meal (vultures dun eat cooked meat though...the info are for people who seriously dun watch nat. geo or read anything except medical books :p) ...anywho...back to the topic at hand. so the nurses take advantage of you...make you do the dirty work..laugh behind your back.....wouldn even allow you to rest in between on-calls. and so you endure it for the next 2 years....finally you become a medical officer...u walk in. you see the nurses who bullied you before..you go. heh heh....time for revenge. you scold the nurses ...make them do endless work. and then vice versa...one lovely beautiful circle. who is to blame? the nurses of bullying in the first place...or the medical officers and senior doctors for bullying the nurses? sure the nurses would want revenge...to them its damn those doctors..if i cant get my revenge against you..ill do it on the freshie.... sure the doctors would want revenge...damn those nurses...you did this to me. now's my turn...you're merely a nurse. when will it stop? never....because we are humans....its in our nature. 

it is the sad truth...we wake up to such a reality. i guess i wouldn call this a complaint. im not even sure what i would call it. not to say that ive accepted the facts. i do want to make a change. but in a sense im broken...i tried to make a change once....got shot from every corner..but i still made a difference that year...only to see it crash down when i left it. guess the foundation was strong enough was it. or maybe i was jus too naive...too green to actually expect humans to change.

tk out