To Be or To Become

mood: drained

Anyway…im back…after a long absence once again…but not without reason..as you can see. I have not been able to log on to the internet unless im in uni which in itself is quite a hassle indeed…the reason for being “internetless” …ive been shifting..yes once again..from one house to another. I shall not give out any details…would not want to bore you with stories of shifting and lorries…but if anyone requires the address of my new place, please fill free to message me about it. I would gladly provide the address with great hope that you would actually send me something ;-) …

Alrite..excuses aside.. this week has the makings of being one of the oddest one in my life. Well…no one actually knows the whole truth about it except for that one person(yes yes…im being all secretive once again…live with it :p) …but yah…in a sense I do feel a little embarrassed…maybe even a little emasculated.. it was all in good time though…maybe its just what I needed. Whatever it is…I really do appreciate what this person has done for me. Being one to almost always be on the receiving end, it felt good to finally move to the other side. Anyway in order not to cause any embarrassment on her part or rather people questioning her about what happen..i shall refrain from mentioning her name…thanks again J

I guess it all boils down to one thing…I don’t think ive truly accepted the death of my grandfather..i never truly mourned his death..was I right to do so?…in a sense ive become like him…he remained silent through out that painful year following his death…never once telling us if he was suffering..never once crying out in pain. To me…that has always been a sign of strength…crying…shouting when in pain has never been my forte. Trust me…if you shove a knife right into my gut right now…I would not scream or winch..i just cant seem to release the pain im feeling…and it seems ive carried it for the last 1 and a half years..in which it has sometimes shown on my expression..always coming out a little but never to its full extend…oh well .go figure. Im not exactly very comfortable writing all this anyway

The thing is thru out my life, my grandfather has been the pillar of strength…the one person I worshipped..looked up to.. and wished that I could be like him… and now ive realized what a huge void he has left behind…okie..not only now..but for awhile now .. that void leaves me guideless...At this present moment I have no hero in my life…no father figure… sure there are other members of the family..but I just feel distant. I can still remember when I was in kindergarten…I use to think that my grandfather would live till 100 ..and then I would think of him passing away earlier then 100..i started to feel like vomiting after that. I jus could not see my life without him….i cant walk into the house anymore to show him my medals…my trophies…my battle scars..my achievements.

Sigh…im not even sure if what im writing right now makes any sense. The feeling of missing him is just consuming me right now…im not even sure when ill find closure to all this…how long before one gets over the death of a loved one? I just cant seem to let go…I cant seem to move on from it….i know I cant live like this forever…and I don’t want to…im sure he would not want me to either…but its just there….

Its quite easy to just start typing…hey I gotta move on…im going to start making him proud..im going to live the life he wanted me to. But its not just as simple….with support it definitely helps…but im me….solo as ever….oh well…